I seldom agree with Dear Abby, and this is again one of those occasions that I definitely don’t agree. Women who dispense advice tend to try to smooth over family relationships, bind difficult people to the community standards (theirs) and ignore the obvious. Today was just one of those occasions.
Dear Abby was taking to task a father who was pointedly and ‘cruelly’ warning his wife that their son could very easily take after HER brother and fall into a tragic life. To be fair, neither Dear Abby , nor I, have all the facts… but I think I can sort through the ambiguity and make a guess as to what is really going on.
Relationships, like child rearing, are best done by parents who agree on virtually everything. Science is showing that the more similar a couple is … the greater their chance of compatibility and sustainability. Similar personalities is — to me — clearly one of the key factors to mutual happiness. How we view the world, our individual beliefs, our personal values and our unique political perspectives , when similar, can in a relationship help facilitate a lasting bond of love and friendship…. and as those core values, beliefs and perspectives become disparate, then it can be a recipe for disaster for both the relationship and in trying to raise successful and happy children.
Let me guess about Dear Abby’s couple. The man is probably what we might consider traditional … while the mother is permissive with a ‘hands off’ child rearing philosophy. She probably advocates : 1) that the child explore the world with no discipline or consequences, 2) using words instead of fists, 3) experimenting and gaining friendships with a wide range of interesting people and 4) undertaking activities with the minimum of supervision or structure. Let’s just say, he feels quite differently. The mother was probably also raised in a fairly unstructured and permissive environment, which may explain why her brother likely had the opportunity to discover a troubling path through new and interesting friends.
I do have some sympathy for the mother, she probably really doesn’t understand what is wrong. She is raising her child as her mother raised her… and her brother. Since both she and her brother turned out differently, she is more likely to attribute the difference to ‘luck.’ Therefore, if a child turns out ‘well’ , it is merely chance or luck… but, she is sadly wrong. It goes with out saying, if you allow the village to raise your child, don’t be surprised to end up with the village idiot. Because, it is the involvement of parents that makes all the difference in the outcomes of children… even though the journey can be fraught with many more challenges than the permissive parent… it is the positive outcome for our children — after all — that we are striving.
So, my dear traditional male friends, my advice is to find someone just like you, someone who shares your values… if you do, you will have a better chance to be happy and proud of how your children grow to become fine adults. Remember , my friends, bimbos seldom make happy relationships or good mothers.
Roger Freberg