Most research seems to try to explain or predict why things go wrong. The line of questioning is always the same. Why did his heart stop beating? Why do some relationships end? Or, as Bob asked, “What IF my bladder explodes?” We have a tendency to focus on the negative and all too often fail to look at ‘why things go right.’ We study why people become fat, but little publicity goes toward sharing research on how many many people stay slim. In the practical world, people look for positive answers to avoiding negative consequences. After all, watching people do things right, be they a young player watching an older football player or observing a happy individual can teach us a lot. Focusing on studying negative outcomes has value, but truly successful and happy people focus on what works!
It’s not that we should give up research into what goes wrong, but we should also move to the next step and ask , “what does this say — if anything — about those who are succeeding and happy?” Are there any heuristics (rules of thumb) for happiness for example? I think a quick look into the world of literature can shed a little light on the situation. Many have written in their critiques that Jane Austin’s stories would greatly simplify if her characters would actually talk to one another. I am reminded that Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth in “Pride & Prejudice” would dance with each other over hundreds of pages , each misinterpreting the other because neither would do one simple thing… talk candidly, honestly, straightforwardly and openly with each other. If they said what they meant and meant what they said, then there would be little drama and no story. Unlike Jane Austin, most of us like to minimize unnecessary drama.
Of course there is risk in this ‘honesty’ thing and it isn’t for the uninitiated. Being honest also means becoming vulnerable and often hearing what you don’t want to hear. However, although dealing with the truth can be challenging, it is at least a good starting point to plan and launch toward a new and happier life. Besides, lying to yourself or others should be kept to important matters … for example, how would you answer if your partner in life asks whether or not their new pair of pants makes them look fat? How would you answer this universal unsolvable question? Personally, I think a variation of a line from Zelda fits best,
” Forgive me for staring, I didn’t really hear the question as your beauty left me without words.”
Okay, a bit corny… but honesty also means avoiding minefields and still being tactful. Looking in the mirror honestly every day is good for one’s relationships, charting your course in life, one’s professional research and one’s soul.
Roger