Advice from Women is just that and why do we expect any more than that?
Today, I was reading an advice column about a woman who had an ‘active social life’ ; however, now, she is attracted to a man with no or little past experience. They have discussed what went on before they got together and she has been somewhat forthcoming… but incomplete. Here lies the understandable conflict.
The female advice provider was basically taking the position that it is ‘none of his business’ regardless of how many ‘notches are on her belt.’ The ‘it’s his problem’ is a very typical comment by women of men as it absolves them of any responsibility in being open and honest. (It’s funny how some women who profess the need to be with men who will talk/listen to them… can suddenly become silent on subjects in which they lack self confidence, have guilt or fear rejection.)
However, speaking of world champion liars, this reminds me of a story.
One husband asked me if I knew anything about about the ‘past’ of his wife, whom I have known for many, many unfortunate years. ( I say ‘past’ only to keep it separate from what I knew of her present.) He said she was unwilling to discuss anything from age 11 to 20 — the age when they first met. Although I certainly knew more than I was comfortable telling him, I did mention that she had been engaged before … but, as far as I knew, she had never slept with any Albanians (no offense intended to Albanians who I am sure are a lusty lot). She has always had a ‘problem’ with honesty. She’s never been very discerning in her choice of men. Several marriages later, I suspect she is continuing to ‘reinvent’ herself each time she meets someone new…. until they finally figure her out.
Back to our story of the ‘inqusitive man’, “Dear Dad” would offer different advice, I would say that ‘honesty is the best policy’ and let the chips fall where they may. If they work it out, then the couple may be stronger for the experience. If they crumble, then it was really never meant to be. There is a lesson here, people don’t change their spots just because they get a little older… or even marry. Besides, our inquisitive guy deserves complete and potentially painful disclosure. If he leaves, well, it’s probably best for all concerned…. besides it is better than meeting one of her ‘friends’ in a bar someday.
Let me say it again in another way: people don’t change, liars lie, people never rehabilitate and there is no tooth fairy.
If you are one of those couples who eventually plan to have children, allow me to offer this advice to the guys…the old adage “the acorn doesn’t fall far from the tree.” Mom’s who were party girls often raise their daughters in the same tradition. If you don’t want that, don’t ‘hook up’ with her.
Finding someone who will talk ‘honestly’ on important issues with you isn’t easy, but it is better to fight it out than pay for it down the road. We must remember that past actions do shape who we are — and in some ways predispose us — to act in certain ways in the future. Habits are hard to break and lifestyle patterns are even harder. So remember, you can’t change people, sometimes you just have to move on.
My advice?
First, don’t think that your choices are limited . There are many kinds of women out there and they are not all soccer-loving democrats. There are gals out there who are basically honest, like to watch football games, understand computers, will jump in the shower with you, and help you raise children you will be proud to call your own!…… find her and be happy.
Roger Freberg
PS. why the picture of the pregnant lady you ask? I like the picture….it must be that perfect 38-42-36 shape… don’t ask me why?… it’s in the male genes!