Someone — who happens to be someone I love — forwarded an article posted on an internet site for unhappy academics & losers. (was that over the top — I can’t really tell?)
You will first notice that the linked article — which first appeared in a 1955 Good Housekeeping Magazine — is full of underlining and unspoken feminist commentary. The article was entitled “The good wife’s guide.”
Rather than provide a critique on the article, which seems rather quaint by today’s standards, I will comment on the underlined passages by our feminist authority.
1)…”catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.”
Hmmm…. on the flip side, I don’t think there is a guy on the planet who doesn’t understand the saying,’ you know… you can’t be happy, UNLESS, she is happy!”
So, what is she saying? “Catering” to someone is degrading? Somehow, I visualize this woman as hopelessly single with 12 cats. (HINT: she is a Psych Professor — so she’s half way there)
2) …”show sincerity in your desire to please him.”
Where’s she been? This is the oldest lesson on the planet. Hey, when I have daughters sitting on my lap, feeding me chocolate chips cookies and telling me they looOoove me!… I know where this is going. I just say,”hun, what can I do to make your life better?” Cash works good and they’re on their way. Actually, my girls don’t have to work even that hard…. and my wife even less.
As for pleasing someone you care about, I can’t see anything wrong with that.
3) …”remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours.”
Well, everyone gets their turn in a fair world.
Fortunately for me, I married someone who likes to talk about the Superbowl and not the Oscars… but if she did, I’d probably listen and be ‘in a happy place.’
4) “Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you.”
Hmmmm… in the old days, I suspect that this might include a business dinner or some lodge meeting. Back then, all guys had for role models was wimpy guys like the Marlboro Man, John Wayne or James Bond. Nowadays, we have the unltra-masculine hunks like Tom Hanks or Leonardo DiCaprio to lead us into greatness and sensitivity. Still, I do wonder if they shave their legs?
Today, the rules have changed but in a way that most people really don’t talk about. Sucessful relationships and families spend more time together than less! Let me say it again, if a two income family is going to make it, couples and their families need to spend up more time together than apart. Check out some of the social and volunteer organizations that are begging for membership. Why? It is simple, people want to spend more time with their families. Besides, there is no such thing as ‘quality time’, only how much time — in total — you spend together is important… or you grow apart.
(“quality time” definition: A period of preoccupation a working parent engages in with an otherwise neglected child.)
Question: By the way, does your wife’s collegue spend more time with her than you? hmmmm… but you’re getting ‘quality time’? Riiiiight!
As for “complaining”, that’s useless, it just means you didn’t get your way. Besides, ‘complaining’ is like a boxing match, if she throws a verbal punch, then it invites him to do the same. It’s far better to sit down and have an ‘understanding’ beforehand… but that means that both parties have to be fair and willing to think about the other person’s needs as well. In a two income family this is very important.
5) “Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night.”
Ah shucks, she got me here.
I’d complain too, if she was late for dinner. I mean, here I am back from hunting freshly wacked Brontosaurs and cooking them over a slow fire…. and SHE comes home late???!!! The dinner is ruined! Don’t get me started on this one…. and rule 2; nobody parties without me!
6) “Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.”
Now, I don’t see what’s wrong with that?
When I see my honey bun, I have a tall crisp glass of vino for her… and never-you-mind, if she wants another, I am ready and willing to fix her right up. Kindness does pay. heh heh
7) “Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement… you have no right to question him”
Wouldn’t that be nice if that were ever true? The reality is that it isn’t true today, nor was it in 1955… or they wouldn’t have taken the time to mention it. Whoever wrote the Good Housekeeping article was trying to cover his/her tracks.
8) “A good wife always knows her place.”
In 1955, there weren’t a lot of women in the work force in America. Only 27% of women with children under 18 years of age worked in 1955 as compared to over 70% in 2004. As you can see the numbers have almost flipped in nearly 50 years.
The reality is that if you have a one income family, then EVERYONE needs to put their issues aside and help the ‘bread winner’ to keep ‘bringing it in!’ In rural environments where poverty is an issue, the male ‘bread winner’ ( as in a South American study) would eat first at dinner in order to ensure that he had enough food to work the following day.
In the western world, this might mean that in a single income family where the man is at home, he would handle many of the domestic chores as well as the children and the extra funds would be ‘invested’ nito her career — like clothes, computers, etc. The man would also fix dinner… and she better not be LATE!!!
However, it’s possible, that in America, some families (30%) could live with the old Good Housekeeping ‘virtues’. But with today’s economic burdens spread more evenly, mental and physical adjustments are being made. It is also often harder for couples and their relationships to remain intact given the increased distractions and temptations. With all that is going around these young parents, one can only ask, who’s raising the kids?
In 1955, maybe a good wife knew her place… but so did a good husband.
I am often reminded by many of the observation commonly made in the west of Japanese society where the common view is that the woman ‘knew her place’ and was concequently subserviant to the man, her lord and master — so to speak. What many in our culture do not realize are the obligations that men in Japan are expected to take, regardless of whether they wish to or not. For example, Japanese men are expected to defend their families , often with their lives… in America, this ‘rule’ might be viewed as but an ‘option.’ I have met men who would not act heroically, even if the threat was minor. This is sad. A man who will not stand and protect his family isn’t much of a man.
Women in America have always had better opportunities and greater freedoms than anywhere else in the world. This has been a good thing for women and our country.
However, we need to be mindfull that the future is always uncertain… the freedoms we have today were fought with the blood of yesterday. If we fail to defend what we have today, it could so easily be lost…. so my professor feminist cat loving friend… pull your head out of the sand and see the world and it’s challenges for what they really are…. or just maybe you will soon be eating your eggs this way:
Roger Freberg
PS. remember if as a husband or spouse feel that you are ‘giving’ 80% of the time… chances are that you are only giving 40%. So, try not to keep score… but take care of the other person and be responsive in ways that are important to them…. and you both can be happy.